Don't Waste Your Pain - A Dose of Daily Hope

Life Happens.

Life happens quickly with a 19 month old in a Hip Spica Cast. I long to write daily, get all the feelings, thoughts, and memories out on paper or print, but alas, life happens.

The past few weeks our little lobster crawling Hip Spica Toddler has been happy and HEALTHY. This is the first time she has been illness free for longer than 1 month since she began daycare at 3 months old. Amazing what time away from daycare will do for the immune system.

I on the other hand have been without regular childcare while juggling  working full-time either at the office or at home, which means working throughout each day and night. Since early September, something about my asthma/illness did not feel the same as anything before. My Asthma specialist heard crackling on my lungs and has been treating me with multiple meds in case I was beginning to develop pneumonia. I have been one tired and ragged mama. We are still trying to work out a childcare situation and praying everything will work out as its meant to be. In the meantime, I am praying my lungs can heal and I can get rest at some point.

As of right now, our world is hanging by a thread and that thread is propped up by working on int'l export orders remotely from home while simultaneously doing nebulizer treatments with a Spica Baby crawling at my feet. My mama heart has ached and longed to be home with my child more, and this latest hurdle is not easing that ache. In a way this time in a Spica Cast has given me more time to see her during the day. For a week and a half, we were able to find someone to watch her half days. I made it to the office for the first half of the day, then ran home to put her down for a nap. For the first time, I was able to do something that I never was able to and in those moments my heart was bursting with joy. I would lay her on her bean bag chair used for naps, lay down beside her and read the "Jesus book". As much as I wanted to savor those moments and lay next to her all afternoon, I was pulled to quickly get back to working. I would soak up hugs, kisses, shut the door and run upstairs to work as fast as possible while praying somehow her nap would last 3+ hrs. Those are the moments that I struggle with the most. I always hoped we would be able to choose staying at home or working full or part time. There are so many others in this same situation and it is by no means an easy feat. This year has been tough for us, Roslynn's 7 day hospitalization with RSV and Pneumonia and other sick days used most of my time off, long before we could ever know she would be diagnosed with Bi-Lateral Hip Dysplasia.

My prayer continues to be, "Lord, please show me, show us, your plan."
I keep telling the Lord, its too much, I am not strong enough to keep burning both ends and not giving much of myself to anyone in my life, family, friends, work. I have been through quite a few painful experiences that have stretched and pulled my heart. Never before though had I experienced this intense battle on my heart of being a working mother, especially when my child's special needs and health, and my own health are on constant demand. I keep praying for strength to get us through and for my heart to understand why this is the role I must be in now. I pray that if there is another way we can make it, he will open our eyes and show us his path, no matter how thorny and out of the way His path may be.

“He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble. We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort he gives."
(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 CEV)

Earlier this month marked five years since my father passed away from Cancer. Earlier this year, we passed the 15 year mark of my mom waking from her coma following our horrific car accident. Many times in life I wondered what God is preparing me for by experiencing struggles at a young age, struggles that many will never know. At 30 years old, I am still struggling to understand God's plan and how he will work pain into beauty. Every day, I wish my father was here to talk to, I wish his loss was less painful five years later. However, the joy of meeting my husband, then becoming a mother opened a new, rawness in my heart, a longing for someone you love so much to be here in person to meet these blessings in your life. My father was a man of wisdom, empathy, depth, with a continually growing heart for Jesus. When life got hard, he dug in even harder. Throughout his nearly 6 year cancer battle, he continued working, work that was physically grueling in all elements. It is a strength that has confused doctors and people alike.

Jonda Spurbeck Photography
"Wedding Bouquet"

Although my father would listen well and even be understanding of the overwhelming and exhausting chapter we are in...ultimately I know what his advice would be, to keep digging in and doing. No matter how long, tiring and trying a situation may last, we just have to keep plugging along. As a rancher, many lives depended on my father. Lives of cattle, horses, their own babies, our crops, pastures, range land and of course his family. As a volunteer firefighter in our rural area, even more people depended on him to continuously be present and dig in. He was someone that did not quit when things got hard, no matter the physical, mental or spiritual pain. A husband that watched his wife hold on while in a coma, then rehab through her brain injury over the years, later came his own Stage IV Non Small Cell Lung Cancer Diagnosis. It was his determination not to quit and God's grace that gave him so many wonderful years that he continued caring for the lives that depended on him. During the moments when I am entrenched in the daily grind of life that I long for his wise, tough, Christ filled voice of reason. I long for his understanding of the prayer I need most, prayers I may not even know I need. However, I know I was given the time I needed and learned from his struggles, imperfect ways, his pain, and his heart for God. And I know his Pain Was Not Wasted.

Pain is inevitable in this world. Whether first world pain or third world pain, it is all pain and never quantified by God. God sees us tired and weary, our aching broken hearts, and he longs to refresh, replenish and mend our hearts whole filled with beauty and love. My Father was a living example to so many of how not to waste your pain and allow God to work through you and make beauty out of any situation. I am so grateful the Lord has shown me trials amidst the triumphs and placed so many fighting souls in my life to lead through example.

No pain is lost on God, no pain is too small or too big for him. However, we have to come to him, seek him, lay all our pain, burdens, questions, anger, you name it, we just have to toss it all up in the air and allow him to mend our fences right where we are at. We can not wait for out situation to get better, our lives to be less messy, we are meant to meet no matter how deep the mire we are in. Only He can take our pain and turn it into something of beauty. 

Don't Waste Your Pain 

By: Rick Warren, Pastor  September 12, 2014

"Your greatest ministry will flow out of your pain — not out of your strengths or your talents but out of the painful experiences of your life. It is your weaknesses that help other people in their need, not your strengths.

A great example of this is the apostle Paul. In 2 Corinthians 1, Paul says that he was in a time of his life when he was so discouraged that he was ready to kick the bucket. He despaired of life itself. He was ready to give up on life. He was ready to crawl in a corner and die. And Paul was probably the greatest Christian who ever lived except for Jesus!

But Paul was able to say this in 2 Corinthians 1:2-5: “I pray that God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ will be kind to you and will bless you with peace! Praise God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! The Father is a merciful God, who always gives us comfort. He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others in trouble. We share in the terrible sufferings of Christ, but also in the wonderful comfort he gives” (CEV).

Who can be more sympathetic than somebody who has already been through what another person is going through right now? Who can better help the parent of a special needs child than a parent who raised a special needs child? Who can better help somebody going through a bankruptcy than somebody who has gone through it before? Who can better help somebody experiencing the heartbreak of divorce than somebody who remembers how terrible it felt? Who can better help somebody who’s been abused or molested than somebody who has been abused or molested?

Don’t waste your pain. If you hide it and hold it back, it doesn't do any good. But if you’re honest with God and yourself and with other people, God can use the thing you hate the most in your life, that you’re most disappointed by, and that you wish had never happened. God says, “You can’t change what happened to you. But I can use it for your benefit and for my purposes. When you’re willing to share your brokenness, I can use it to help other people.”  See more from Rick Warren HERE

Windblown Weary Working Wife and Mom

Home Cooked

Tonight I attempted to make dinner for my husband and I. At 9 pm the ever busy 18 Month old was finally in bed and dinner was burning in the cast iron. 

My home cooked meal of leftover hamburger bun tuna melt sandwiches, was officially burned. Life at its finest.

Instead of blogging or writing, I have been putting a baby to bed too late, burning dinner, battling foreign objects in the dishwasher, and working more than ever. Life continues to keep us on our toes. We have just added a hip surgery and Spica Cast for our sweet young daughter to the mix. So it seems there is no better time than the present to recharge a different part of my mind and soul. 

Working Mama Heart

A small limitation to my love of writing has been my full-time gig in the agriculture export industry. My heart longs that one day I will spend more of my days at home. To care for my husband, daughter, and be more involved with church, community and cattle organizations. 

sEAson of LifE

This morning I started to think of how yet again I have been down deep in the trenches of another season of life where God has been working tirelessly with blessings, challenges, gifts, & growing I never saw
coming...yet all of these gifts have also forced me to see the cracks and streaks in the mirror representing areas I am weak in FaItH & hOpE. It was then that I realized I am not actually in another "season" of LiFe...there is just ONE season of life when we are walking thru this life with God. I am slow to learn and open up my mind and heart to the FuLL capacity of what God has promised. I wish I wasn't so slowww...and dare I admit, so stubborn to letting my heart lead my mind into the beautiful way God has prepared. However, I am. No matter how much I learn, I seem to still face a cold snap and my heart and head close up shop for a little bit and work in the worldly realm instead of soaking up the retirement the HeavenLy realm PROMISES. The only positive aspect to my slow learning and stubborn self is the unabashed awe and wonder that smacks me in the face like it was the first time I am hearing and seeing all around me. I never tire of being utterly amazed by this journey God hand gifts each of us. I do tire that I continue to doubt his promises and doubt the beauty my life posesses as his Child. Then again, we already know that we are human, we are flawed, and we will FaIL.....on our own. Rooted in the truth...maintaining the work to remain rooted...is how we will succeed with beauty and fLAIr to SpaRe~.

Every day of this Season o' LiFe is a ride that we will never be prepared for as much as we all want to be. Every day we will face adventures we didn't know existed, presented with Feats we could never possibly train. The only preparation we have for LIFE success is to perfect our ability of begging....perfect our humble weak stance of bowing down on our knees and pleading for grace, strength, wisdom, & love. This season we are in is made up of every day of our life. We will never be able to know if we will
be any good at what we are about to embark on...chances are we will be highly uncoordinated & awkward at every step of this thing called LiFe......but that is precisley why we are given the map and guided to walk in the steps of the path He's cleared for our clumsy feet

LiFe LeSSons fRoM a coWBoy to HiS dauGHter

Life Lessons from a Cowboy to his Daughter

My dad is a cowboy
His rules are my roots.
He taught me his ways-
 I followed his boots.

To a gun-fight don’t bring
A knife, he once said.
Always follow your heart
But don’t lose your head.

I knew I could jump
Whenever I felt froggy
But I was never to let
My pack become soggy.

He saw through my games-
Even at my worst.
Because my rodeo
Was never his first.

Finally-I should rein
With a strong, sure hand
Because as long as I live
I’ll ride for his brand.

by Amanda Stavropoulos

Poem of the Week for 10/19 

Cowboys and Indian Magazine

sEcrEts, TwInKLes, & JoY

"The gentleman had a twinkle in his eye, a spark, as if he had discovered the secret to life and it brought him much joy."

I am not a journaler. Okay so big deal right? Well, I always think of people who journal as the ones who never have to rummage thru their purse (or truck console for you guys) when they need a pen, or heck just to find the ol drivers license;) Along with fervent organizational skills, I think of those who journal as those folks who no one can say a bad word about. They talk softly, walk softly, laugh demurely, and never speak out of turn. Yep, a journaler is everything everyone hopes & prays I might become!! :P I too used to hope to became a journaler, as I was reminded when I came across my ill-fated quest for journal success. The funny thing about irony is that as my 26th year came & went, the chaos I seem to embody did not. And so the journal got buried in a box if chaos. As my 27th year fell upon me, my aspirations embodied something more akin to a 'weekend journaler'. See, the weekend journaler is accustomed to daily chaos but looks forward to basking in the relaxation of a good ol fashioned structured, white picket fence weekend...every now & then;)

I recently found myself {once again} feverishly packing for an unplanned move. While this move is not intended to find me living beyond my county borders, it was nonetheless, highly unplanned & a result of less than ideal circumstances. Since no day in the life of this gal would be complete without a side sprig of gypsyness, these thoughts have been plucked straight from the shady nook of an all too familiar a storage unit. As I rummage thru totes, boxes, & bags I find myself blessed beyond recognition as someone above offers my rest for my weary soul in the form of a shady storage unit & a long unopened journal.

On this very day I wonder how many of us find ourselves hiding from our past, cursing our present, and backing away from our future. It's on days like today that someone is trying to come in close to stop the second hand and show you this very moment in time.Where finding that unfinished journal bears no resemblance to shame or failure but instead gratitude for the words recorded & the hope they replenish. What we have is what we have....not have not. A sparse journal, a sparse bank account or a sparse society...may we see what ee have in each rather than what we have not. May our eyes be open today to seeing that we have before us everything we need to carry this day onto completion.

"Invitations to Jesus come to us in many ways sometimes thru circumstance, an opportunity that opens before us. Sometimes thru other people who see something that we may not yet see, they invite us to step forth in some way. ...We don't get to wait to offer our lives until we have our acts together. We do not get that luxury. If we did, would anyone EVER feel like offering anything"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Fighter - Cancer battle Fighting with Dignity

In memory of John Douglas Feusner, Larry James Lampkins, and countless others who have taught us how to fight with honor and courage.

“Take the Road Less Traveled”. 

The words stared back at me, never more poignant. You see, what was hidden behind those words, tucked deep inside the package, had been source of great anticipation. I already knew about taking those roads that are not traveled by many. The roads that are dirty, uphill, rough as heck, jar every bone in your body and make you say things that would make a church lady blush. There is no discrediting those trips can wear a man down. However, the scenery encountered on those roads is so rare and beautiful; you always find yourself praying its memory will be forever burned in your mind and in your soul. As the full memory of the road & its beauty came back to me, I found myself tearing into that package with renewed joy and a new sense of FigHt!

Just few weeks before I was innocently partaking in a lil Junk Gypsy “window shoppin” when something caught my eye. This time it was not bright and shiny, but instead heartfelt and inspiring. “Kickin’ Hiney and Takin’ Names” splashed across my screen. Clearly, with a title like that they had me at hello. It seemed the Junk Gypsy gals wanted to FIGHT and when you pair two sisters from the Lone Star State with a dad who is fighting a battle against cancer, this will be a fight worth watching! Y’all that have been down this road, know full well that certain battles are NEVER to be fought alone.

cancer…it stinks. and i would pretty much assume there isn’t a single person out there whose life has not been touched in some way by that ugly, stinky word. you know people that have lost the battle, you know some that are currently in the trenches of war, and thankfully you know those that have won the FIGHT.

or possibly, YOU are currently courageously, boldly, fighting the fight. the gloves-are-off-take-no-prisoners-fight-of-your-life. we salute you.

and here’s the good part. the part we’re really pumped about…we are working on a new design. a new design to HONOR and CELEBRATE all of the cancer survivors & fighters & true-blue warriors out there. we are doing a call for names. for the names of anyone & everyone who has been through the CaNCER war. NAMES in honor, in celebration, in memoriam.

and the even better part…we’re going to print EVERY name we receive on our new design, print it, and SELL it. and 100% of the profits will go to the LIVESTRONG foundation working hard in the fight against cancer.

(Junk Gypsy Blog)

Now THIS was a fight I could get plum excited about. I had TwO very important tasks & oNe very important deadline before me. I needed to get my personal FigHter’s name typed out ASAP & then send this information on to a friend who had lost her own father one month before mine. The Gypsy gals ended up having almost 1,000 names to spread out over five shirts…but wouldn’t it just be like fate that those two important names can be found on the same shirt!

…Cancer. Jazz it up, strip it down, make it emotional, interpret it scientifically, cuss about it or write it a love sonnet. No matter what you do to Cancer, it just is what it is. It might be the worst thing that happens to you or frankly, it might be far from the worst boulder to ever roll onto your trail. If Cancer does affect your life one day, if Cancer is affecting your life right now, or if Cancer has affected your life in the past, what are ya gonna do about it? The way I see it, you only have one option. You are going to FIGHT. You will fight every way you know how. If you are not actually the person whose cells are going crazy then you will fight FOR that person. We all are given a pretty minuscule set of expectations when we make our debut into this world. The basic expectation is to L-I-V-E. I don’t know about you but I think we better just hunker down & get to workin’ on that task.

Summer 2006 - A quick visit from the folks during my summer job at the E Bar L, Greenough MT.
 2-3 yrs into his Cancer FIGHT

People always preach to my generation about having no regrets. My ideal scenario of having no regrets often seems starkly different than the ideals of my peers. I think it would be swell to travel the world, but honestly if it doesn’t happen, then I see no sense in discrediting all the wonderful life experiences I have been given. I have already been there and done that when it comes to things most folks commonly regret…and yet…I still don’t want to change a thing. All of the junk in our trunks is part of where we’ve been and I know we can never get to where we are going until we know where we’ve been. Personally, the only thing I will ever regret in life is if I am not a FigHteR. With the exception of the schoolyard bully I set straight in 2nd grade, I try to keep my fighting limited to fights within my soul. Cancer is just that…it is an all out battle of your soul...and those are the kind of battles well-worth fighting for.

So how exactly are you plannin on fightin’ your fight? We all know that every good battle has a battle plan. Before you can even dream of having a stellar legacy, the tough question must be asked. Do you even have it in you to be a FigHteR? As long as you have a little heavy dose of “try” in ya, then we can get down to crafting this footloose & fancy free plan of action. Yep, footloose and fancy free.

1.  Go find yourself a sense of humor.

Lord do I hope that by now you tripped over a sense of humor somewhere along the dirt road.

2.  Find some inner joy...yesterday.

I know I am doing something right when it takes very little to light my enthusiasm. Folks, let me tell ya, you know you’ve trekked up some steep & dusty mountain roads when all you need for pure unabashed joy is a Mr. Freeze Popsicle! Popsicles may not do it for you, but you best find your own frozen joystick and find it fast. This fight is all about being blinded by joy instead of being blind to joy.

3.  Lose the ‘tude.

Now is not the time for pride. Period.

4.  R & R.

Not the kind best served on ice. This is of the rest and relaxation variety. I suspect R&R is a new concept and might be tough to learn. However, I have faith old horses can be taught to drink the water. This variety of R & R is also best consumed in moderation. Too much rest and relaxation kills the fight. Too much rest equals too little living. If your current view of living looks mostly like working you might want to spruce up the scenery just a touch. If you are fightin’ this fight chances are you have asked “why me?” It is perfectly okay to ask “why me?”, just as long every Q & A round ends with the question, “what now?”. A new chapter has been added to your book. Somebody else out there needs to read that chapter. And they need you rested, refreshed, and back to work!

5. NEF – Nutrition, Education, Fitness.

a.  Nutrition –Time to ditch the cowboy breakfasts & lunches. Ie. a pot of coffee for breakfast and a Snickers bar in the afternoon. You are gonna have to start chewin on something besides coffee grinds in the morning & dust off your superhero lunch box. Read Beating Cancer With Nutrition It is large, it is in charge, and it is a little left of center. READ IT!

b.  Education - Dust off your reading glasses and start studying! Don’t OD on the cancer forums & blogs, they become dreary fast. If you want to arm yourself with knowledge, then surround yourself with the progressive crowd. GRACE, is a “Cancer” website with my personal endorsement. Its founder, Dr. West, is a renowned Lung Cancer Specialist…and lover of a good steak! GRACE is a nonprofit foundation with a vision to provide cutting edge cancer education to patients and caregivers. You won’t find posts about people feeling bad but you will find a breath of fresh air and plenty of information about treatments & research. You will find….HOPE. Dr. West has hope. He has hope in his business. As a cattleman you two should be able to relate quite well. You are hedging grass, he is hedging treatment options. You both know what is like to have the odds stacked against you but both still have hope in your business. You set the tone for your battle. If you want this to be a fight filled with joy & hope then stop hiding your light behind the sagebrush. Be the valiant leader of your healthcare team, they WILL follow.

c.  Fitness – SURVIVAL of the Fittest. The first month into my father’s almost 6 year fight, I gave him loving, sweet advice.  “Don’t be stupid”. And I meant it. Prognosis means NOTHING to me, luckily my father & I agreed. Don’t waste my time telling me your guess. Only God knows the hairs on my head & the number of my days. Prognosis aside, my father still had been diagnosed with Non Small Cell Lung Cancer…at Stage IV. I said no more running…he agreed. However, this is all about the fight. So with that, John Feusner became an official member of the Yakima YMCA. In between us riding pens or doctoring cattle, my dad and I would often go to the gym together. In fact, my dad continued working out even through his second hip replacement. Make your soul fit, and your mind will follow. Survival of the FiTTesT.

I have not actually fought the fight of Cancer. I wish my father could be here to share some of his infinite wisdom with you. What I think he would tell is to just keep, keepin’ on. Just keep LIVING. Keep WORKING. I like to think in his own diplomatic way he would tell you to not screw up this opportunity. No matter if he said that or not, his actions certainly told us to not screw up an opportunity to live life without regret. You will either view Cancer as a disease that strips you of all opportunity or one that brings new opportunity. A few months before my father passed away he asked me if I remembered what I had told him five years before. I panicked thinking back to what on earth might have slipped out of my 20 year old mouth. He proceeded to take me back to our first conversation after his grim diagnosis. I had made him go for a 2 mile walk with me in the dead of winter and gave him a reality check. The reality for my father was that this could be treated as just another day in the life. His wife had survived a horrific car accident, coma, and brain injury. He had not let car accidents and comas stop him so why would he be derailed by cancer? His only option was to keep on living just as he had been…and maybe even live just a little bit better! Cancer didn’t strip us of opportunity, it created new opportunity. Memories were made. Regrets were banished. New ambition was born.

Cancer is no different than any other day you have lived. You are given an opportunity. Everywhere you look you will find an abundance of wisdom, knowledge, and love just waiting to be received. Look for those gifts no further than in the faces of your family, your medical team, your friends, your industry peers, and many others.

(More information can be found on my “NSCLC/Cancer” page, including links to Cancer GRACE, where to buy Beating Cancer With Nutrition, & how to snag your own Junk Gypsy “FigHter” Tee.)

Previously published in the June, 2011 edition of The Washington Cattlemen's Association periodical The Ketch Pen

L-I-V-I-N the DrEaM

Livin’ the Dream

Imagine someone asking you, “What are you up to these days?” and you respond, “Oh, just livin’ the dream.” Does that scenario have a familiar ring to it? I recently mentioned to someone that perhaps they need a tattoo on their wrist that reads in big bold letters, L-I-V-I-N the DREAM. That way when they find themselves slapping their hand to their forehead, a sure and steady reminder of their grand life will never be out of reach.

Often when we answer a question with a phrase like “living the dream” we might just throw in a drop or two of facetiousness with it. However, what would happen if we actually started believing we were living a dream? I recently read that the United States ranks well below other industrialized countries in the areas of Math and Science. However, our students rank shockingly high in one particular category - self esteem. Whew, that is a relief! At least we can find great comfort in that our low intelligence will not damper our spirit and sense of self.

Now that we are armed with the knowledge of our greatest attributes we know just how to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. Since most of us are products of the United States Education System we can rule out that our intelligence will propel us forward. It looks like we will have to resort to putting our unusually high self esteem to work. Do not despair just yet; this self esteem business has a few decent qualities we can tap into. Folks with high self esteem believe they can do anything they set their mind to. That might also be due to a lack of intelligent judgment but for this article we will ignore that argument. When a person believes they can do anything or be anyone, they will have an infinite number of dreams to be dreamed and schemes to be schemed.

Now do not misconstrue my words, I am in no way discrediting the importance of possessing intelligence. Instead, I am raising the question that perhaps a solid self-esteem can make up for whatever intellectual shortcomings we may have. Instead of using a phrase such as “Livin’ the Dream” in a facetious manner when someone inquires about your life, what if we actually began to believe we were livin’ the dream? We may not be living some folks’ dreams, heck, we may not be living out our own dream, but most likely we are living out someone’s dream. At this exact moment in time, there are a greater percentage of people in this world who’s greatest dream is simply to survive. Perhaps they lie awake at night wondering how they will scrounge up food for their children, wondering when the gunfire will cease, or fighting a ferocious disease and praying for one last breath of air to breathe. In an instant our own dreams and ambitions appear as shallow and superficial as those of the Kardashians.  

I do not know at what point our contentedness with the unfolding of our lives just becomes settling for less than we are capable of. However, I do believe we need to use this self esteem/intelligence combination as a mechanism for always striving to work harder and dream bigger. No matter how twisted the path we are being led down, once we succeed at keeping our feet on the ground and our eyes to the sky then we will truly be “L-I-V-I-N the Dream”.

Wish I was down on some blue bayou,
With a bamboo cane stuck in the sand.
But the road I'm on, don't seem to go there,
So I just dream, keep on bein' the way I am.
Wish I enjoyed what makes my living,
Did what I do with a willin' hand.
Some would run, ah, but that ain't like me.
So I just dream and keep on bein' the way I am.

The way I am, don't fit my shackles.
The way I am, reality.
I can almost see that bobber dancin',
So I just dream, keep on bein' the way I am.

~Merle Haggard

(Previously published in the April, 2011 edition of The Ketch Pen, a monthly periodical of the Washington Cattlemen's Association. Subscription information here)

Listen/Watch The Way I Am performed by Miranda Lambert

A crOOkeD roAd

I walk a crooked road to get where I am going
To get where I am going I must walk a crooked road
And only when I’m looking back I see the straight and narrow
I see the straight and narrow when I walk a crooked road

I sing a lonesome song to anyone who’ll listen,
To anyone who’ll listen I ‘ll sing my lonesome song.
And when I hear you singing too, the sorrow sounds so hopeful
the sorrow sounds so hopeful, when I sing my lonesome song.

And a lonesome song will be my true companion
When all else has abandoned for singing of their own
And a lonesome song will fill my days with gladness
Make joy out of sadness when I sing this lonesome song, to you

 

I love with all my heart, there is no way of stopping,
I have no way of stopping I just love with all my heart.
Through the broken and the beautiful, the bad news and the good news,
The bad new and the good news is I love with all my heart.

And a loving heart will be my true companion,
When all else has abandoned for loving of their own.
And a loving heart will fill my days with gladness,
Make joy out of sadness when I bring this loving heart, to you…

 

I long to be a happy man, in this life that I’ve been given
In this life that I’ve been given I long to be a happy man.
When the noise turns to stillness, I see I have the makings.
I see I have the makings to be one happy man.

And a happy man will be my true companion,
When all else has abandoned for happy of their own.
And a happy man will fill my days with gladness,
Make joy out of sadness when I show this happy man…

And a happy man will be my true companion,
When all else has abandoned for happy of their own.
And a happy man will fill my days with gladness,
Make joy out of sadness when I bring this happy man, to you… 

I walk a crooked road to get where I am going,
To get where I am going I must walk a crooked road
And only when I’m looking back I see the straight and narrow,
I see the straight and narrow when I walk a crooked road…

A Crooked Road by Darrell Scott. 

Darrell Scott played all instruments while recording this album of the same name...listen to the song, only regrettable if the moment passes you by ;)

GoD is fOr YoU

The following was taken from a daily Purpose Driven Life email. I love that this "Christmas" message goes beyond the manger, star, and shepherds. Those things are such crucial pieces to Christ's birth and ultimately his life on earth. However, often I feel the details of Christ's birth have become more symbolic and decorative than grabbing our hearts and reminding us why we have Christmas...because God IS for US. Personally, a Christmas message that focuses on God "having my back" is what I need at this time in my life. So many people do not countdown the days and hours until they celebrate...they countdown the days and hours til the holidays pass. I encourage us all to be mindful of those who don't have a place to travel to, a tree to put up, family to buy for or to even see. There are millions of people who are stripped of joy when these months roll around rather than are filled with joy. I pray someone out there is able to show them with love & generosity that Christ is For ThEM...

But the angel reassured them. "Don't be afraid!" he said. "I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people." Luke 2:10 (NLT)

Knowing God is for you will change your whole perspective on life. You'll stop thinking of God as someone looking down from heaven, ready to yell, "Gotcha!" anytime you mess up.
Instead, you'll realize God loves you; God is with you; and God is for you! God is for your success in life; he created you for a purpose and he wants you to succeed. It is God, your Creator, who will measure your success in life, and no one else.
This is extremely good news!
It means you don't need to be afraid of God because God is for you. Yet, some people are so afraid of God they get nervous just talking about him. Do you know why? They feel guilty, and then they start thinking, "If I get close to God, he's going to lecture me. He's going to remind me of all the things I've done wrong, and then I'll feel even worse!"
Nothing could be further from the truth of God. Jesus said, "I did not come into the world to condemn it, but to save it." In effect, Jesus is saying, "I didn't come to scold you, I came to save you."
And if God is for us, who can be against us?
Jesus came to save us, not to scare us.  That's why when the angel was telling the shepherds about the birth of Jesus, the first thing he says is: "Don't be afraid!"
In fact, when God sends a message to people in the Bible, it's not unusual for the first words to be: "Don't be afraid." There are 365 messages from God in the Bible that begin with a phrase like, "Fear not!" In other words, every single day of the year you can read a message from God that says, in effect, "You don't need to be afraid. I am for you; I am with you; I love you."
We celebrate Christmas because of this good news from God!
(devotional by Rick Warren)

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NSCLC/CANCER (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer)

It has taken me quite the dose of time but I have updated my NSCLC/Cancer page above and it is important for me to direct y'all there. I have not wanted to add any words to that page, mostly because I have always felt each video spoke for itself. However, there are links to CancerGRACE, a non-profit foundation providing educational resources to patients/caregivers that I am passionate about people knowing is out there.

I enocourage you to head to the site, and pass along the information to any and all that may benefit from this amazing resource.

...If you need inspiration..well I may be biased but there is none better than the man I wish was able to teach me more in the 25 years I had him...I recommend "Success with Tarceva" to kick you off...modern medicine isn't always perfect..but it ain't always deserving of the bad rap it receives...a little like the rap that is too oft thrown the way of steward of the land cattlemen...

WesterN winTer wAnDERLust

 

 

When there are days you need to see God by your side, He places His hand in yours and leads you to where hope shines through life's roughest weather. 

~He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak~

 Isaiah 40:29

RePENTance

I loved this post & haven't been able to get it out of my mind! Ironic because I typically despise the word "convicted". I have sometimes felt its misused and abused not a singled out attack on anyone specifically just my own (prob very misguided) thoughts!:) Just been a deep philosophicalesque question of mine if using convicted is a way of still leaving a veil up and therefore not fully correcting our actions. My thoughts are not rooted in study but I feel if it takes a divine intervention for me to realize everytime I've wronged another or sinned then I haven't learned a GD thing in life (bad expression to use in this context whoops!). As a "Christian" If I can't figure out my wrongdoings without a push from JC then why gosh it doesn't make ANY sense to hold anyone accountable for their wrongdoings who lacks divine intervention much less lacks a "filled soul"....just a thought to stir up conversation;)
And yet after aLL tHAT I end up feeling "convicted" of my animosity of the word, "convicted" after reading the devotional below!!:) WoW almost ridiculous play on words eh! 
~enJOY~

(The following taken from www.myutmost.org/repentance)

Godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation . . . —2 Corinthians 7:10

Conviction of sin is best described in the words:
My sins, my sins, my Savior,
How sad on Thee they fall.

Conviction of sin is one of the most uncommon things that ever happens to a person. It is the beginning of an understanding of God. Jesus Christ said that when the Holy Spirit came He would convict people of sin (see John 16:8). And when the Holy Spirit stirs a person's conscience and brings him into the presence of God, it is not that person's relationship with others that bothers him but his relationship with God— "Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in your sight . . ." (Psalm 51:4). The wonders of conviction of sin, forgiveness, and holiness are so interwoven that it is only the forgiven person who is truly holy. He proves he is forgiven by being the opposite of what he was previously, by the grace of God. Repentance always brings a person to the point of saying, "I have sinned." The surest sign that God is at work in his life is when he says that and means it. Anything less is simply sorrow for having made foolish mistakes— a reflex action caused by self-disgust.
The entrance into the kingdom of God is through the sharp, sudden pains of repentance colliding with man's respectable "goodness." Then the Holy Spirit, who produces these struggles, begins the formation of the Son of God in the person's life (see Galatians 4:19). This new life will reveal itself in conscious repentance followed by unconscious holiness, never the other way around. The foundation of Christianity is repentance. Strictly speaking, a person cannot repent when he chooses— repentance is a gift of God. The old Puritans used to pray for "the gift of tears." If you ever cease to understand the value of repentance, you allow yourself to remain in sin. Examine yourself to see if you have forgotten how to be truly repentant.

Coal Miner's Daughter

Tough to find a better song that so perfectly highlights one's hardships without ever disrespecting the players involved....Enjoy~

where do YoU gO?

 If you're pouring, I'm drinking

You got me thinking,
Pretty girl what's on your mind

something's got you down for you to be wearing such a frown

Your too young for your old lady eyes

you need a break from everyday

I want to call you up and say

Where do you go when you get lonely

Where do you go when you get scared

Where do you go when you get lonely

Let me know and I'll meet you there

I've been screaming at the top of my lungs

No one seems to hear a word I've been saying

and I've been talking to Heaven

It sounds more like begging

I need a break from everyday

I want to call you up and say

Where do you go when you get lonely

Where do you go when you get scared

Where do you go when you get lonely

Let me know and I'll meet you there

There's an airplane flying over me 

Wonder where its going, wonder if I know anybody there

But if there's nothing there for me
There ain't much for me here either

I hate flying to get me in the air

Because I'm tired of toiling over chords

and I'm sick of trying to talk in rhymes

Where do you go when you get lonely

Where do you go when you get scared

Where do you go when you get lonely

Let me know and I'll meet you there

"Where Do You Go", Matt Powell

Listen to the FULL song for FREE here

Pride.....more puny than powerful

PRIDE PRODUCES MISUNDERSTANDINGS

Humility gives insight

PRIDE PROVOKES ARGUMENTS

Humility brings peace

PRIDE PREVENTS INTIMACY

Humility builds closeness

PRIDE POSTPONES RECONCILIATION

Humility admits mistakes

PRIDE PROMOTES ITSELF

Humility encourages others

Tripped over this last week via a FL Radio Blog so I thought it was bout time for me to get around to sharing. The author wrote that the Bible mentions PRIDE 62 times. (I'm going to take their word on it....for now....although I do like to do my own fact checkin'...someday;>) I do have a hunch that few of those mentions would be positive. Humble....humble.....humble....maybe if we turned it into a catchy kids song it would be easier to remember. It does rhyme with quite a few words: humble, bumble, tumble, heck throw a thimble in for good measure......just sayin'!

       ~Enjoy this Tuesday Train O' Thoughts Derailment  segment....Tomorrow brings a tour at the Port of Seattle AND a vessel!!!!!!! Not sure if my puncation usage properly relays my exCITeMeNt!!! Only thing that would make it better would be if 20 or so containers of Hawaiian Cattle were being loaded onto chassis while we were there! ....another tour for another season;)

CrazY cowBoy DrEAm

Crazy Cowboy Dream

“The miles that I have traveled, the places I have seen

Just won’t let me put a saddle on this Crazy Cowboy Dream”¹

          

A few days ago I took my niece up on the invitation to join her at school for “hot lunch”. When your nephew and nieces range in age from 13 down to 7, it is easy to see the GIANT handwriting on the wall. Those pending teenage years have the possibility to make those invitations a thing of the past ! A scheduling conflict resulted in the need to move our original lunch date from the coveted “salad bar” day to a standard “hot lunch” day. Have no fear, this school brought it’s noon hour A-Game. My nephew and nieces attend a private Catholic School in Yakima. Most of the teachers recognize me by now as I have been picking up at least 1 child a year for going on a decade! Despite what most folks would consider a less-than-friendly locale, the school proves friendly & welcoming to the weary lunch maven or afternoon courier. On this recent voyage I found myself likening their school to a small, rural town. The kind of town where the lunch is hot, the smiles are warm, & crazy cowboy dreams are still dreamed.

Back at the cafeteria my small town euphoria was kindly interrupted by a sweet voice, “Aunt Jenna, would you like milk?” Don’t tell the health officials, but typically the only time I reach for milk is when it comes served as a double in a tall glass with ice, a few choice ingredients, and a name that sounds suspiciously like a famous handgun!  On this day, nostalgia won as chocolate milk beckoned its way to my tray. As I found my way back to a table surrounded by 11 year old girls and not a boy in sight, I found myself wondering when that fateful day arrived so many years ago that took away the choice of chocolate milk and took our crazy cowboy dreams right along with it.

One of the great blessings life throws our way are the times when a philosophical theme of one kind or another takes residence in our mind. This philosophical battle invokes pondering that may last for days, weeks, even months. As we drive to and from the kids’ school, ride through that group of pairs, or fix the familiar fence line we may not even realize what our brain fervently ponders day after day. If we are lucky we will reach the pinnacle of all great pondering…the much lofted after revelation. Cattle ranchers are blessed to be an intricate part of nature that includes few others. They are able to take in the wide open spaces, fresh air, understand the delicate balance of all life that surrounds them. All that oneness with nature is great but let’s face it; 'em ranchers are slightly scant on human interaction! It has been a long time since they saddled up to a lunchroom table with their chocolate milk, unless you count those bi-yearly trips to the sale barn cafe!  However, this lifestyle makes them far from short on philosophical ponderings or even a profound revelation now and again. Rather than send our ranchers to “Mingling 101” down at the local Eagles, let’s keep them out on the range & tap into that pondering mind. How intriguing it is to sit down at the lunch table and hear a group of folks whose crazy cowboy dreams may very well be alive and kickin’.

My penchant is strong for anything that takes me back to a time when the worry was less and the “living and doing” was more. Typically that means a great deal of enthusiasm at every 2/$1.00 candy rack where the packaging hasn’t changed since Reagan was in office. However, if you look beyond the Cinnamon Bears, Bubbletape, & Slurpees you just might catch a glimpse of the “good ole days”. The Good Ole Days are not limited to the 1880s or the writings of Laura Ingalls Wilder. We all have our very own version of good ole days. That school lunchroom with its choice of “white milk or chocolate” is just one small peek into our glorious yesteryears. Those days when our minds were full enough to be present yet empty enough to dream.

Someone reminded me this week of the saying about doers and dreamers. My personal rendition goes something like “There are three types of people in this world: Dreamers, Doers, and those that let others do the dreaming and the doing.” I believe we cannot successfully do until we have successfully dreamed. When is the last time you let yourself dream or even turned those dreams into something you did? We all know that no one has successfully ever kept us down without our consent but sometimes it takes a good hot lunch, carton of milk, and a kickball game to remind us to start living our crazy cowboy dreams.

“....The miles that I have traveled, the places I have seen

Just won’t let me put a saddle on this Crazy Cowboy Dream”¹

(¹ Robert Earl Keen. “Crazy Cowboy Dream.” Bigger Piece of Sky. MP3. Koch Records, 2004.)

Originally published in WCA Ketch Pen November 2010. 

Just an old chunk of CoaL, but I'm gonna be a DiaMonD some DaY

The greatest part of modern technology is the ability to have the possibility of interruption to one's own thoughts now and again! If you are like me those thought interrupters tend to just encourage more head-scratchin thinkin'. While I was pushing the ol mower around the lawn turned pasture this evening I found company in the shuffle mode of my MP3 player. Some days the shuffle feature alone is enough to get my mind to wandering crazy, insanity filled bits just on the overwhelming gratitude I possess towards the talented soul who invented SHUffLE! Tonight my mind was more entrapped by the musician himself. Shuffle landed on a tune by Billy Joe Shaver from his Storyteller album recorded live. "Just an old Chunk of Coal" would be played four more times before it was settled this bittersweet tune efficiently would sing September to a close.

My blogging habit has proven my attention span well....short-lived! ;) My last hiatus from posting comes from the sudden surprise of another Ketch Pen article already due, an interesting situation I found myself in...ok not interesting but about the only polite thing I can call it, as well as an impromptu trip to Texas..YES another one:), and a very poignant one year anniversary that has been annoyingly never far from my mind throughout the year. This tune's timing in my ears may be far from fate but it is not far from being exactly what my heart needed to dance to.

I'm just an old chunk of coal now Lord

But I'm gonna be a diamond one day

I'm gonna grow and glow until I'm so blue pure perfect

I'm gonna put a smile on everybody's face

September 18th was the day my father made his debut at heaven's gates & the Lord's feet last year. September 26th was the day I led my family up the aisle of a church with one hand gripping my mom's and the other gripping my niece never so aware of the need to present myself with the tallest posture I was capable of. "Successfully" not allowing one tear to slip by until after the words I needed to speak in front of 400+ had been said and my well-heeled feet had taken me back to my pew. I do not believe I have ever been so aware of being alone until I stood watching my one emotional link to "family" lowered in the ground. Less than a half mile from our home & standing in the cemetery our ranch surrounds, the day I was most fearful of had arrived. Everyone surrounding me had a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on, and I just stood...once again as tall as my 5'9" posture could stretch. Last week, I had a second interview for a job I never wanted more in my 26 years. I was asked what I still think to be a peculiar question, "What is your biggest fear?" Honestly I wanted to wrinkle up my face and say with every bit of attitude I easily possess;) , "Umm Seriously? Believe me...you do not want me to really answer this question!" Right, wrong, or indifferent I proceeded to tell the nice man interviewing me the only way I knew how to PROPERLY answer: honest but still withholding what I so very much wanted to unload..."Well, if I may be incredibly honest, the very things that feared me most, it seems life has brought me face to face with over the last decade. I guess the only thing that remains to be afraid of is something I've been chiseling away at this last year: waking up one day or even ending my life without achieving true peace or contentedness within my soul." ........YEP...that was my answer. Trust me, I will not be giving Interviewing 101 lessons...EVER! Fortunately I believe we have a truly & astoundingly merciful God....and I will now be employed by that interviewer;) Back to subject at hand: Coal. 

When you think of coal you might think of Santa Claus? I think of something that people don't really see a whole lot of worth in...its dirty, its mined dirty, it burns dirty, its just blghh. When you might think of diamonds, you might think of something you yearn for or even something you think is neccessary for happiness. Diamonds don't really appeal to me I won't lie...but diamonds do sparkle. Whats so significant about sparkle? I hear that word and think of a person...not any person...that person. I don't think of the status and love that women tend to joke or perhaps seriously think comes from Diamonds. I think of the analogy this song so beautifully paints. To me, sparkle might just be one of the most awe inspiring words used to ever describe someone. You can't buy sparkle, you can't curve it up or skinny it down, you can't paint a face on it...you just can't spruce sparkle. To sparkle so bright that others can see it, sense it, feel it, and be encouraged by it...can you imagine? So when Billy Joe Shaver sings about being an old chunk of coal and he's gonna be a diamond one day, that's a whole heck of a lot of sparkle he gives a gal hope in;)

I'm just an old chunk of coal now Lord

But I'm gonna be a diamond some day

Oh I'm gonna be the cotton pickin rage of the age

I'm gonna be a diamond some day