a grief Disguised

"One learns of the pain of others by suffering one's own pain, my father would say, by turning inside oneself, by finding one's own soul. And it is important to know of pain, he said."

~Chaim Potok

An interesting thing happens when you have a "come to Jesus" talk with Jesus himself about whether this time around you are finally going to relinquish complete control to him in every aspect of your life....the deep crevices of your soul you didn't even realize you were once attempting to control, run free with great abandon. This great abandon isn't the vision of a child running through a field of wildflowers...it is more a chest crushing pain that has taken up residence & has yet to give notice of its leave date.. 

An incredible freedom in my writing was granted to me when I decided to change this blog from the 'Young Washington Cattlemen's" blog into something of a more personal journey. For those random few people who may be "crossovers" from the YWCA days this is not something for the faint of heart. In the last few months I have tested the limits of my personal authenticity & taken the scope of my writing along with it. Surviving 26 years of life has not been easy thus far but it has not been the entirely traumatic either. Have I made it harder on myself than necessary? Oh, I have no doubt!! I am a very stubborn, very German;), GIRL...with an independent, complicated, deep nature. I know I could have saved my heart some pain a few stops along the way. I also know that God has granted me with a Quilt of life full of patches very unique to my own story. I've become aware that This patched up, jig-jagged life, all my own, comes with a responsibility. You see...when you have experienced "unique" events in life, even more, when you've experienced a pain of the soul, then you never know who may be saved. It only takes one person to be a little vulnerable and a lot authentic to make someone's life slightly brighter.

The quote at the top of this post is taken from, "A Grace Disguised.. how the soul grows through loss" by Jerry Sittser. I have had this pain in my entire chest for about 2 weeks now & prayed for God to reveal to me what was the cause of it. This is no normal pain, it is a crushing, all encompassing pain that is unlike anything. Was it my lungs burning from my serious asthma? God's nudge that I should move to Tx? Shouldn't move to TX? Over a boy? Over a friend's agony? I begged the Lord to reveal to me the root so I could know how to ease my pain....hiking manastash ridge it was revealed to me: I was going through a stage of grieving...the stage I had been subconsciously avoiding the last 10 months. The nasty, all encompassing stage of TRUE heart-ache, grief related depression, physical symptoms of sleepless nights, nausea, etc. Did I praise God that he chose to bring me to this stage at a time when I could physically & mentally face it fully or did I curse him for bringing me into this stage without hardly any physical or mental distractions other than the ever-present ringing of my mother's voice...and her tears? Well neither really. I have instead been begging God not to leave nor forsake me during this time in my life that I now realize I tried so desperately to escape with committees, articles, trips, 2200 mile moving plans. God and I are grieving...grieving the loss of my best friend, my father, my mentor, my inspiration, my ideal for strength, courage, and faith. "We" are grieving the incredibely strained relationship with my mother, my upside down life, the loss of my ranch management program & TX fantasy...yep God is right here beside me to hold my hand & heart as there is no one more qualified to understand pain of the heart than Christ. Here I had been so self-righteously relieved, perhaps even proud of the way I had been handling "grieving" and yet I was truly only turning my back on the processes I felt would "cramp my day to day life".

Let us all ponder our souls...Really push ourselves to ask why we DON'T allow more thought, time, and LOVE to go towards those that are hurting, including ourselves. Why do we want to package it nice timeframes, descriptions, and emotions? The glory of being a human is our incredible diversity but the incredible similarities we do share. When its your turn or  a family members turn to hurt, not only turn their grief into grace, but do not allow any step of the journey to be under disguise.