The sounds of irrigation sprinklers turning in the fields mixed with the sounds of the ever present summer wind fill my ears as I type. Accompanying these comfort sounds of summer is light worship music, possibly the most stirring I've heard. I broke through the sounds of "nature" this evening to project what my heart is asking the very creator of nature. The matter of loss has been in the forefront of my heart and mind the last couple of days. Not the meaning of the word, the magnitude of the the feelings of loss...but the entire scope of loss...the before, during, after, and everything in between. I've had 2 friends both lose unborn children within the last couple weeks...that is loss that no one will argue. But what about other loss... today I bought a car from an older couple and the husband has dementia, my mother mourns my father more every day he is gone, a friend has lost the will to live, another friend has lost her earthy bindings and found her life in Christ. Now that is LOSS. God's mysterious ways find us facing a losing battle everywhere we look. Loss of mind, loss of spouse, loss of hope, loss of satan's grip, loss of confidence...which of these losses is worse? Better yet, why does a loss need to be quantified, compared, or reasoned with? Does it stop the pain if you are told your loss pales in comparison with another's loss? Is the pain real?
This past year I have often been complimented on my reaction to my father's death. I have trouble with compliments in general:) (something God has been working steadily with me on) so a compliment in how I handle grief has probably been answered with a "Uhhh....thank you??" followed by a quick subject change I am sure!;) Please know I mean no harm to anyone who has laid down any such words...I just am throwing out some philosophy puttering around in my brain. Why do we has humans quantify loss, grief, pain, etc? What good are we doing ourselves, our family, and our friends we so dearly love? The only reason anyone has ever told me how well I handled loss is because I knew that is how everyone wanted me to appear. However, I will justify that the loss I experienced this last year has NOT been the worst experience of my life...in fact...i will truthfully admit that it has in ways been one of the most amazing experiences of my 26 years. If I am shooting for authenticity though then I will have to come clean that I put on a show in many situations. I put on a strong face, a bright smile, a loud laugh, and probably even made a joke. What I really wanted to do was let the tears well up in my eyes, hide my face for weeks and months, sit up on a mountain and tune out everything but God's voice, touch, and embrace. My fear of human rejection, my fear of being seen as something weak or hurting kept me from being authentic.
As I try to find my footing in Christ every morning I find my eyes opening wider to the scope and magnitude of loss that surrounds everything I touch. From loss of a pet, a child, a job, confidence, faith, relationship, friendship, or human life....loss is real...loss is deep...loss is painful....Acknowledge it, Own it, Embrace it, fight through it...for the fight through it leads to the most beautiful sight in nature...Christ will be waiting on the other end with an arm extended leading you on, just as he has been through the journey.
Much of these thoughts were brought forth from a few chapters of the book,
A Grace Disguised that I picked up off the arm of the couch yesterday afternoon. My mom is supposed to be reading it but hasn't seem to get past the Preface.:) I was encouraged to read it last fall and my curiosity finally besieged me. Some pages near the end of the book caught my eye and as I sat here relistening to an amazing hymn I recently heard, I instantly recognized the words being sung as the very words that had been so eloquently quoted in the book....
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform
He plants his footsteps in the sea, and
Rides upon the storm
Deep in unsearchable mines of
Never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs and
Works His sovereign will
And Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings, yeah, in blessings
And in blessings on your head
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan his work in vain
For God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain
In His own time, in His own way
In His own time, in His own way
I'm running over to the ranch I worked on for about 3 summers and everybody always needs FRESH WA Fruit...unlike any other!! We survived the entire car ride together (if you know the story then you know that is definitely a praise god moment) and I am running to a college age ministry tonight called SALT. It will be the 2nd time I've attended and its pretty refreshing to know that Christ has healed up my scars from the HS youth group days;) Since I'm hoping to start a small group with 2 gals in their early 20's its good to get some fresh perspective and get fed in a way that was chained off for many years!! I'm curious to see what God is cookin' up with all this business of young adult fellowship...no doubt it will unfold piece by piece;)
