This past year I have often been complimented on my reaction to my father's death. I have trouble with compliments in general:) (something God has been working steadily with me on) so a compliment in how I handle grief has probably been answered with a "Uhhh....thank you??" followed by a quick subject change I am sure!;) Please know I mean no harm to anyone who has laid down any such words...I just am throwing out some philosophy puttering around in my brain. Why do we has humans quantify loss, grief, pain, etc? What good are we doing ourselves, our family, and our friends we so dearly love? The only reason anyone has ever told me how well I handled loss is because I knew that is how everyone wanted me to appear. However, I will justify that the loss I experienced this last year has NOT been the worst experience of my life...in fact...i will truthfully admit that it has in ways been one of the most amazing experiences of my 26 years. If I am shooting for authenticity though then I will have to come clean that I put on a show in many situations. I put on a strong face, a bright smile, a loud laugh, and probably even made a joke. What I really wanted to do was let the tears well up in my eyes, hide my face for weeks and months, sit up on a mountain and tune out everything but God's voice, touch, and embrace. My fear of human rejection, my fear of being seen as something weak or hurting kept me from being authentic.
As I try to find my footing in Christ every morning I find my eyes opening wider to the scope and magnitude of loss that surrounds everything I touch. From loss of a pet, a child, a job, confidence, faith, relationship, friendship, or human life....loss is real...loss is deep...loss is painful....Acknowledge it, Own it, Embrace it, fight through it...for the fight through it leads to the most beautiful sight in nature...Christ will be waiting on the other end with an arm extended leading you on, just as he has been through the journey.
Much of these thoughts were brought forth from a few chapters of the book, A Grace Disguised that I picked up off the arm of the couch yesterday afternoon. My mom is supposed to be reading it but hasn't seem to get past the Preface.:) I was encouraged to read it last fall and my curiosity finally besieged me. Some pages near the end of the book caught my eye and as I sat here relistening to an amazing hymn I recently heard, I instantly recognized the words being sung as the very words that had been so eloquently quoted in the book....
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform
He plants his footsteps in the sea, and
Rides upon the storm
Deep in unsearchable mines of
Never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs and
Works His sovereign will
And Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings, yeah, in blessings
And in blessings on your head
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan his work in vain
For God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain
In His own time, in His own way
In His own time, in His own way
His wonders to perform
He plants his footsteps in the sea, and
Rides upon the storm
Deep in unsearchable mines of
Never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs and
Works His sovereign will
And Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings, yeah, in blessings
And in blessings on your head
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan his work in vain
For God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain
In His own time, in His own way
In His own time, in His own way
