R & R: Rest & Retrospection

As I'm preparing for a giant yardsale this coming weekend (1st time we've ever done one, at the ranch no less!) I came across a binder I'd used during High School. What prompted to me to open it was the water-stained "high school-ish decorated paper" in the front cover. I had written in marker all around the paper, my favorite bible verses at that time...in the center read, "If God is For Us, Who can Be Against Us?" Romans 8:31. I knew that this binder was used during a tough time in my life. Sure enough I found poems I'd written for a class tucked inside. These poems were scrawled on college ruled paper, various colored pens...so "high school" :) The dates in the top right corner of each page sent a pang to my heart...spring of 2001...the spring of my junior year when I had moved out of my folks home due to my incredibley turbulent relationship with my mom post-coma. Just 2 yrs after her coma life still remained far  from light-hearted for most of my family. Rather than be stuck in that time when I read these...I am inspired...God was for ME and He did bring ME and all of us through that time...by the world's standards our life was far from easier...but I can read these and smile at where he has brought us...

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again, from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up" Psalm 71:20....

He certainly has continued to raise me up from the mire of this world and I have no doubt He will never cease lifting us all up...

"I am" 5/23/01

I am unlike anyone else

I wonder when I'll learn to love myself

I hear those around me crying inside

I want to change the views of the world.

I see my future only getting brighter.

I am unlike anyone else

I wonder when my family will ever be the same

I hear the harsh voices pushing me back

I wish people could see all I have to offer

I want to be successful in God's eyes.

I am unlike anyone else

I wonder how long I have on earth to complete my tasks.

I hear the sounds of a child I once was.

I dream of being free from self-criticism

I hope those I know and meet feel my love

I am unlike anyone else.

The Smile 5/24/01

Through Smiling and laughing

it all looks great

No one worries until there is 

a frown upon my face

If only they knew the laugh

has become an escape, 

From days of stress and torment

with a cold fate.

My heart is now hard, 

rarely ever weeps 

and hidden with shame

as out the tears sneek.

They can not see me break

I am too tough to show 

what I really do fake.

Soon I will tire and eventually stall

when that day comes 

they will wonder why I fall.

Never will they know all that goes on

behind the smile of a new dawn.

The Night 6/1/01

I shut off the light

and pull the covers tight

I pray I will sleep

I have five hours till the beep

All day long I run myself ragged,

rushing and worrying, all my thoughts jagged.

Leaving only five hours, I make the best, 

In deep, dark slumber, I put it to the test

Releasing all tension, dropping my guard,

At last I can dream of playing in the yard,

One day I will drop, 

all my actions will stop.

They will say its stress,

as she never did rest.

Little will they know,

of how fond she did grow

In those hours of slumber she had,

It was only then she ever saw her dad.